


Crack

by cfxcin02



Category: Original Work
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-21 09:43:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3687525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cfxcin02/pseuds/cfxcin02
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An original crack fic. want a good laugh have a read</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> This is meant to be an original crack fic. I am trying o be as ridiculous as possible. This stated as a writing exercise n which number of prompts were read off and I used a handful as inspiration (rather writing what the prompt said). At the instance of friends I continued past the first chapter and am still working on it and having fun with it. Chapter 2 drew inspiration from a game of reverse Cards Against Humanity and some of the inspiration form that will roll over into Chapter 3. There will be appearances from different fandoms as I go along, but not meant to be a piece of writing for any particular fandom. I tagged this with graphic depictions of violence, but you do not see the actual violence, just the aftermath but it is a little graphic so if you are uneasy about that skip ahead about halfway into chapter 1. Well, enjoy.

He looked down at the knife in the floorboard, it was covered in blood, both his and the Jester’s. It hadn’t been easy to kill him but after several attempted poisonings, three attempted electrocutions, a pair of bombs and a rather humiliating attempt at a death ray that he’d rather forget, he’d finally done it, the Jester was dead.  
As he began to dismember the Jester’s body he couldn’t help but think about the Jester’s last words.  
“You’ll regret this.” The Jester had told him, though regret was not what he was feeling now. Now he was feeling proud, and a little mischiefish.  
“Don’t do it.” A voice inside his head said, though not his own.  
Ignoring it he gathered the severed limbs and placed them in a trash bag and headed into town to dispose of them in a rather unique way.

All throughout the town he dug up parts of the sidewalk and placed bits and pieces of the Jester’s body making it look as though they were growing out of the sidewalk.

“That wasn’t very nice.” again the voice came to him in his head, but still he paid no attention to it.

Finally done disposing of the Jester’s remains he headed back out of town to a frozen lake. There he expected to find the loot from the jester’s last job.

Out on the lake he chipped away at the ice to break open a hole to the water underneath. The ice was thick and every few swings he could swear off in the distance he saw the Jester watching him, but that couldn’t be. He finally broke through the ice and dived in, but instead of hitting icy cold water he found himself falling through air. I was a log fall before he finally hit ground, warm soft ground. Looking around he found himself in the middle of a grassy meadow.

“You didn’t think I’d hide it in our universe did you?” The voice in his head said, only it wasn’t in his head, it was coming from behind him. He turned but found no one there. “I knew you were trying to kill me, your first attempt to poison me gave you away.” Again the voice was behind him, and again he found nothing. “When the rain tasted like hot sauce -which y the way is not poisonous, I knew you were trying to double cross me.  
“First rule of smuggling, don’t hide the loot where a double crossing partner can find it. So I hid it in a different dimension.” Once more the voice was behind him, and this time when he turned around he came face to face with the ghostli image of the Jester.

“Boo.”

He turned and ran away in terror. He ran until he came across what looked like an old western frontier town from movie.

“There’s no living souls here but you.” He heard the voice of the Jester say, and again he turned to see him, and again he ran away in fear.

He ran until he was too tired to run anymore

“If you’re looking for the way back to you dimension you’re in the wrong town.” A new voice called to him. and he turned to see a gallows pole with a man hanging from it. “You need to go two towns over.” The hanging man said.

He was far too scared to respond.

“What’s the matter with you? Ain’t you ever seen a failed hanging before?” The man called again, but he was still too scared to talk and just stood staring in silent disbelief.  
“It’s rude to stare you know. It ain’t my fault a witch cursed my body so it can’t die. You think i wanted to be a zombie?”  
“He’s right you know.” The Jester’s voice came from behind. Not bothering to turn and see the ghost he took off and as he rounded a nearby corner, he came to a sudden halt as the ghostly image of the Jester stood before him. “I told you you’d regret it.Now I’m a ghost and I plan to haunt you for the rest of your life. Now if you don’t mind, get a move on, i want to get back to our own dimension; there’s a surprise waiting for you and I want to see your reaction to it.


	2. Getting Out of Dodge

He had a feeling about what was waiting for him and knowing what it was meant he knew how to avoid it. All he could do now was begin the process of getting him. The hanging man had told him he needed to go to towns over; that didn’t sound too bad.

He began walking but couldn’t seem to find his way out of the town. Every turn seemed to bring him back to the hanging man who had begun insulting his insulting him with crude remarks about his intelligence. It was on what felt like his 50th time going passed when he noticed something new. It was a rather small building with a tongue painted on the door.  
Not knowing what else to so he decided to go in.  
As soon he entered he was greeted by blaring loud music. He stopped to listen to the lyrics.

“I wanna rock and roll all night. And party every day.” He had never heard such loud music before and certainly didn’t recognize the lyrics.

“I didn’t know they operated a dojo here.” He heard the Jester say and looked to the opposite end of the room which was easily the twice the size of a sports arena, while from the outside appeared to be no larger than a small house. Coming towards him was a man dressed elaborately in black leather and spikes. The man’s face was painted with black and white make up that gave him something of a demon look.

“You look confused and lost. Can I help you?” The demon looking man asked him.  
Confused and lost was a good of a description as any for what he felt, “What… how... “ Was all he could manage.  
‘What, you thought Kiss only existed in your dimension? We teach rock and roll in I think 30 different dimensions and a couple different galaxies even.”  
“When did you open up here?” He heard the ester ask like the only thing weird about this situation was a new location.  
“”Just last week. Took me a while to find a good location. Do you realize what rent on a place like this is around here? This place was the cheapest and I’m still paying over 10 a month; I got a better deal in the Nexus 7 galaxy and inflation there is out of control. And I mean really out of control. People there are blowing up left and right and floating off the ground.”  
“Well best of luck to you, but perhaps you can help my friend here. He’s trying to get home.”  
“Ah, as much as hate to direct business away from me and to them, you want the rival dojo across the street.”  
“Don’t tell me they opened here too?”  
“Afraid so, and beat me by a week. Everywhere I go they have to follow. Well unless you and your friend are interested in lessons I need to get back to my class; best of luck to you too.”

He watched as the demon man walked away leaving him even more confused. When he just stood there the Jester moved round to look at him.

“Hello? Anybody home?” The Jester waved a hand in front of his face.  
“What was that?” He finally said.  
“You’ve never heard of Kiss? What rock have you been living under? Kiss is a rock band from the 70’s. They’re known for their stage shows, and -atleast outside of our own dimension, their rock and roll dojo’s.  
“Now we really should be on our way.”

Again not knowing what else to do he walked back out and noticed another building across the street. It was roughly the same size and shape as the one he’d just come out of, but this one had picture of a log on the door. Tentatively he walked across the street, opened the door and walked in.

“Timber!” He heard someone yell and a massive tree fell in front of him.

He jumped back a step out of fear and then noticed a rather burly man with a massive beard wearing flannel and carrying an axe coming over to him.

“How can I help you? Looking just to chop down a few trees or clear a whole forest?” The man asked him, and as was becoming his norm he was far too confused to speak.  
“Actually, we’re not here for any lumberjack fantasies.” The Jester spoke for him. “We just need to use the portal to get out of town.”  
“Oh, well then go ahead. Just watch out for falling trees. We’re close to setting a record for a new dojo. This is our sixth week in operation and we’ve yet to have a single fatality. We ready lost out on the accident free record when Paul managed to chop off his own foot on opening day, so we really don’t want to lose out on the fatality record.”

He still didn’t know what to say or do.

“Umm, I think my friend here is going to need a lift.” The Jester told the the burly man. “I’d prod him along myself but as you can tell, kind of have a non-corporeal thing going here.”  
“Sure thing.” The burly man responded, then picked him up, threw him over his shoulder and proceeded to carry him across the room to a large disk of light that was hovering a foot off the ground.  
The burly man tossed him through it and the next thing he knew he was sitting on the ground with the edge of the town 50 feet behind him. He looked up to see the jester out in front of him motioning to him to get up and move.


End file.
